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Lou and JC
And Alex Makes Three
LOU AND JC : AND ALEX MAKES THREE
bayou - 04:13pm Feb 18, 1999 MST

First we had the stern-faced, fire-breathing DA who spoke directly to the killer and solemnly intoned that he was going to show no mercy. But Schiller's book reveals a second DA. A fun-loving prankster who, when asked by Jeff Shapiro for a look at the ransom note, jerked out a page of the note, stuck it half an inch from Shapiro's nose and then gleefully returned it to its folder. The impish Alex. Here is a closer look at his funny side.

(knock, knock)

ALEX: Who's there?

LOU: Lou

ALEX: Lou who?

LOU: You know Lou who.

ALEX: Little Lu Lu, is that what you said? (guffawing loudly)

LOU: Let us in, Alex. My Partner and I want to talk to you.

ALEX: (flinging door open while wearing gorilla mask) Come on in, Lou Baby. And who is your sandal-footed friend?

LOU: This is the guy I told you about. My Partner. You can call him JC.

ALEX: (extending hand to JC) Hiya. Any friend of Lou's is a friend of mine.

JC: What the He....darn...the old buzzer trick. Can't believe I fell for that.

ALEX: (laughing loudly) Gotcha! The old palm buzzer never fails.

LOU: Alex, could we be serious for a moment?

ALEX: (removing mask) Of course, Lou. What do you need?

LOU: JC and I would like to see the ransom note. We understand you have it.

ALEX: Well, sit right down and take a load off your feet, boys. I will rummage through my folders and see if I can find that little jewel.

JC: We think we can compare it with some special writings we got from Patsy.

ALEX: Note, note, where is the note...aha! is *this* what you boys want to see? (holds note up gingerly between two fingers and waves the pages in the breeze)

LOU: Stop kidding around, Alex. That is hard evidence.

ALEX: What? This little ole note? Hard evidence? (crumpling up the first page into a ball and juggling it with an eraser and a pen)

LOU: Alex, stop that right now! You have damaged evidence!

ALEX: Nonsense! I can get every wrinkle out with my new Rowenta steam iron. Besides, pages two and three are still in pristine condition.

JC: Could I see page two?

ALEX: Sure, buddy. Take a quick peek. Now you see it, now you don't. (Alex whips the page back in forth in front of JC's eyes.)

JC: I can't see it when you do that.

ALEX: (hooting) Well, maybe you should take speed reading instead of hanging out with Lou all the time.

LOU: Alex, every old dick knows that there is time for levity. But this is getting out of hand. You are driving me nuts with this off the wall humor.

ALEX: Lou, you sound like an old sour puss to me. Now wonder we decided to put you out to pasture.

JC: Do you have any other evidence we could see?

ALEX: Hmmmm well, maybe you would like to see the famous Hi Tek shoe.

LOU: YOU have the shoe!

ALEX: That's for me to know and you to find out, Loose Mitt. (chuckling) Actually I do have the shoe and here it is. (Putting his foot up on his desk)

LOU: You are *wearing* a piece of evidence?

ALEX: Well, you are always saying I should walk in the killer's shoes.

LOU: No, no. I said the victim's shoes. Not the killer's.

ALEX: Oh, well. My mistake. (tee hee) Now, take a gander at this pen.

JC: Is that the infamous felt tipped pen?

ALEX: Sure is. This is the pen I gave to Shapiro when he asked if he could copy the text of the ransom note. Little did that dweeb know that it is filled with disappearing ink! By the time he got back to the hotel, his copy was gone with the wind. (slapping his knee)

LOU: It seems this is a wasted trip. You have nothing to show us.

ALEX: (digging in his desk drawer) Don't be too sure, Lou. Let me check around. Hmmmmm whoopee cushion. I haven't used that in a while. Think I will save it for my next meeting with Bob Grant.

LOU: *sigh*

ALEX: Oh, my Lord. Here is my fake doggie doo and my fake vomit. What a lot of memories these things bring back. Sorry, I didn't mean to get nostalgic.

JC: Mr. Hunter, you are aware that you are investigating a very serious case, aren't you?

ALEX: Why, yes. I am getting a lot of attention from it. And it is fun to toy with people like Shapiro. I mean, it isn't as if anyone actually expects me to *solve* it or anything like that.

LOU: JC, let's get out of here.

ALEX: Wait. Don't leave now. The best part is coming up soon.

LOU: What is that, Alex.

ALEX: You guys won't want to miss it. (giggling maniacally) Suzanne Laurion's wearing a white dress today, and get this, guys....I have a WATER PISTOL!!!

ENTER SUZANNE.

Suz: Mr. Hunter, camera crews from CNN, MSNBC and Fox News are outside in the hall.

ALEX: Give me a moment to compose myself. (wiping tears of laughter from his eyes).

ALEX: (stepping out into hallway) Gentleman, I have a brief statement to make to the killer. We know you are out there. We know you are a killer. We know, as someone wise once stated, that the killer is the one who killed. We are becoming impatient with your games. Your time is dwindling. I pity you, Killer. I really, really do. (glaring into camera with jaw set and shoulders back)

(back in office)

ALEX: Well, how did I do, boys? Wonder if they knew that I am wearing....ta da....big white boxers with red hearts on em!

Suz: Mr. Hunter! Please...pull your trousers up.

ALEX: Sorry, Suzanne. I get carried away sometimes. Say, Lou, is that a quarter behind your ear. By Golly, it is a quarter.

LOU: Alex, you simply must put the case above all else.

ALEX: Lou, nothing is as important as my own happiness and well-being and absolute peace of mind. By the way, the wife and I are planning another cruise for next month. Are you and the old ball and chain free?

JC: Mr. Hunter, I don't think the people of Boulder want you cruising around the Caribbean while this case gathers dust.

ALEX: Nothing is gathering dust, my boy. Take this door frame. I wipe it down every day, so that no dust collects on it. And this maglite. I keep it clean as a whistle.

LOU: I gotta get outta here. This is just too much for an old dick to take.

ALEX: Suit yourself, Lou. I'm off to the golf course. Nice meeting you, JC. Come again soon and we will go over the evidence together.

NOTE: The satire, "Lou and JC - And Alex makes three" is the property of the poster known as "Bayou" and is only used on the ACandyRose Internet Subculture site as part of the history archive files following this case.

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